Why review new movies when there are so many forgotten or distant memory gems? I have Amazon Prime and I'm going to watch even the dregs, because darn it, I paid my money and I'm getting entertained.
If you thought "Interview with the Vampire" was a campy and insane vampire movie, put on your seat belt because "The Hunger" beat it there by a solid decade. I don't, I don't even know where to begin.
Well, there are these vampires, played by David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve. Catherine Deneuve looks like she couldn't possibly be more disinterested in this movie. So to compensate, David Bowie acts the HECK out of his character. He's acting so hard, you can taste it.
Oh, and they're not normal vampires, they're ancient Egyptian vampires (because, obviously), or maybe just Catherine Deneuve is. David Bowie might be french. There are some flashbacks that appear to come from a more interesting movie that kind of hint at that.
David Bowie is dying (or whatever), so halfway through he turns into an old man that Catherine Deneuve burys alive in her attic. When he's being locked away, he apparently pees his pants, for added realism.
There's still a lot of movie left, so Catherine Deneuve starts talking to Susan Sarandon. The movie wants you to believe that she's in love with her. But either the Catherine Deneuve couldn't muster the enthusiasm, or in a more complex move, her character was a good actress, and was hiding her love (that's it).
At some point Susan Sarandon asks Catherine Deneuve if she's trying to seduce her. If you are awake at this point in the movie, you will be asking the same question, because it is not obvious. Thus follows a "love" scene populated by people who obviously want to be as far away from each other as possible. Lots of arms get kissed. It is the least erotic thing ever.
SPOILER ALERT, but who am I kidding, you're not going to watch this train wreck.
At this point you watch Susan Sarandon NOT EAT DINNER. It's as riveting as it sounds.
The director realizes this movie is a sinking ship. It's no longer a vampire movie, it's zombies. David Bowie is the lead zombie. He leads all the other imprisoned vampire/zombie/old people in attacking Catherine Deveuve.
Are you asking what could possibly kill a 3000 year old egyptian vampire? Well I'm hoping you said a trip down the stairs, because that's all it takes. One would think she would have invested in a ranch instead of a 50 story home but I digress.
That's about it. Did I mention that the whole movie was wrapped in gauze? Because it was. Every set in every scene was practically made of gauze. I must have meant something (the entire budget was spent on gauze).
Anyway, Happy Halloween. This is a perfectly acceptable Halloween movie. I'm sure there are other terrible vampire/zombie movies you could waste time on, but make it this one. You won't be sorry.
To David Bowie, who doesn't read my blog: I'm sorry. You tried. (Were you wearing a wig?) Maybe just focus on all the awesome stuff you did. Labyrinth was great! I liked The Man who Fell to Earth. So, there you go.